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I was chillin' at the living room earlier when I saw/heard this excellent song on MTV. Amazingly enough, MTV now don't really suck and play stuff besides boyband crap! Anyway, thought I'd share it with everyone. This is not the original video though but I think it fits the song very well.

Have a good life

Relief. Sadness. Disappointment. Longing. Acceptance.

Ahh...what a myriad of emotions. Was I being an idiot? Some say, the signs are obvious and are for all to see. Perhaps I was blind. Perhaps I wanted to be blind. Wise people once said, Hope was the worst thing that came out of Pandora's Box. I'm inclined to agree.

Regret. Bitterness. Malice. Anger.

Such pettiness...such idiocy. May I never succumb to those. Given the same choices and opportunities, I'd still do what I did. Maybe I'm just stupid. Maybe I'm just naive.

I'm trying to put on a brave face but I can't deny the truth. I am sad, but I'm not bitter. I am disappointed though I have no regrets. Despite the situation, I'm not angry nor do I have malice in my heart. There is a sense of relief as I'm no longer somewhere in between. I don't think the longing will ever go away completely. Above all though, there is a sense of acceptance. Perhaps this is how it's supposed to be.

Thank you for the memories. Thank you for those moments of happiness. Thank you for making me feel alive.

May happiness envelop this garden of clarity, purity and nobility.

The dice has rolled. The decision has been made. This chapter is now closed. It's time to begin a new one. Have a good life.

Hands Down

Wonderful song by Dashboard Confessional.

"Breathe in for luck
Breathe in so deep
The air is blessed
You share with me..."

Let the dice roll...

Savour every moment
of light-hearted laughs.
Savour every moment
of shy gentle smiles.

Let not one moment pass
without fondness in the heart.
Let not one moment pass
without cherishing her soul.

Look for the space
between the heartbeats.
For glimpse of clarity,
purity and nobility.

Let the dice roll
while serenity sets in.
Forever savouring,
cherishing, loving...

A pause for thought...

While I was chilling after dinner with my mom and bro yesterday, something my mom said got me to re-evaluate my life. At the very least, it got me to realize what an ungrateful bastard I am.

My mom was buying stuff at the wet market. While she was choosing some fresh fish, another person next to her was also choosing stuff. Then my mom realized something. That person was choosing the smaller crabs. After making selecting those crabs, that person asked for the price. Hearing the price, that person then returned back those crabs and moved on.

The price? 9 bucks. 9 bloody bucks and that person returned back the crabs. Shit...

I feel like such a bastard. I spent almost 500 bucks on booze while in Langkawi and this person returned back crabs that costs 9 bucks. That just doesn't seem right...

Honesty

Of all the principles that I value in life, honesty probably ranks the the highest. Honesty builds upon the foundation in which trust can occur. Without honesty, there is no trust. Without trust, there is no real friendship.

Some people prefer not to know things. Knowing certain things could make life complicated and less perfect. I respect that. Everyone should have their own say in how they want to live their lives.

Not me though. I want the truth. If it's bad, then it's bad. Nothing much you can do about it. If it's good, then wonderful! At the end though, it must be the truth. I did not choose the words in my friendster profile description because it sounds nice. I am a seeker of truth. I can deal with the truth. What I can't deal with is living in a lie.

Disturbed...

Been in a slightly pissed off mood lately. Y'know sometimes you feel like you're one with the world, that you are in the 'zone' and can feel the heartbeat of the universe? When it's during one of those moments where everything feels right and you feel good? Well, what I'm feeling right now it pretty much the complete opposite from what I've just described.

I can't really put my finger to it. Looking at it in a completely factual manner, life has never been better! After about a year and a half in my current company, I'm no longer the FNG ('effing new guy for the completely clueless) and amazingly enough they trust me to fiddle around with live mobile networks and build from ground up a totally new mobile network. I know! What the heck were they thinking, eh? Haha! I've been going out way more than before too, whether clubbing or just hanging out. Ok, been getting a bit more intoxicated too but hey, it's fun! I'm also more active in my hobbies, reading more books and regularly going to gym. It looks like a balanced lifestyle but somehow I don't feel balanced.

Crap, I have no idea why I feel so restless. I need to chill...Heh, I've been listening to Disturbed quite often lately. Their music probably fits my mood the best right now. It's been a while since I've listened to metal/hard rock music. I think I'm going back to my rocker roots, at least for the time being. Last time I listened to anything this heavy, it was Metallica! Whoa, that was in secondary school!

One particular phrase keeps ringing in my head from a Disturbed song.

"Quivering now, shivering now, withering..."
- Want by Disturbed

PS: Check out the song and the band. Excellent music! It has a lot of anger, making it an excellent song to de-stress and also as gym music. I've already updated the MP3 playlist in my phone to play this band.

Heavenly objects!

God is truly the greatest artist. As we move through our daily lives, we are blessed with visions of one of God's greatest masterpieces, women! ;)

Of course, that's a story for another time! Heh heh! When I mentioned heavenly objects, I'm referring to celestial ones, not the angels (and devils!) on Earth.

Tonight as I came back from dinner with my cousins, the sky was rather clear above my house. Not missing this opportunity, I dumped my gym bag in my room and proceed to chill at my balcony. I dunno about you all but stargazing is actually one of my hobbies. I'm forever fascinated by the possibilities presented by the stars.

The size of the universe boggles the mind. I find the concept that Earth is the only place supporting life in our universe to be rather ridiculous. To me, that sounds like a massive waste of space! Somewhere out there, I bet there are sentient beings just like us looking at the stars and wondering who else is out there. While it'll never happen during my lifetime, I keep dreaming that one day the human race will initiate peaceful contact with another sentient race. Blame the Star Trek fanboy in me, I guess!

Star gazing also gives me a sense of connection with humanity's ancestors. The stars we see tonight are the same stars that Muhammad, Isa, Abraham, Moses, Buddha and many others gazed at during their quiet moments of contemplation. These are the same stars that the Polynesians used as a map while they guide their rickety boat of weeds across oceans, the same stars that the Chinese used as they explored the entire planet. These are the same stars that populated the skies as the human race left the African continent and ventured outwards, populating deserts and tundra, tropical forests and temperate forests. These are the stars that bore witness while the dinosaurs reign supreme during the age of reptiles. Finally, this are the very same stars that our very first ancestor (Adam and Eve or some evolved monkey, depending on your beliefs!) gazed upon in wonder as they claim this world as their own.

If the stars could talk, imagine what stories they would tell!

Wonderful...

Ahh...what a way to start the year! Ladies and gentlemen, let me now inform you that me and a close friend of mine has something new in common. Hmm...how shall I start?

For the past 2 years or so, I've been seeing this girl. Well, not continuously for the entire 2 years. It's more of an on and off kinda thing. She's into rock music and japanese anime, which was what got my attention initially. Heh, I guess I have a slight weakness for rocker chicks. Start talking about rock music and I'd probably worship the ground that the girl walks on! :P

Anyway, this girl I'm seeing keeps giving me inconsistent signals. She blows hot and cold. I mean, ok. It happens all the time for every single guy out there. Women are weird creatures, no? But in this particular instance, it's so extremely hot and cold, it's beyond normal women behaviour range! This is also the main reason for the on and off thing between us.

Anyway, I haven't heard from her for quite some time and was happily enjoying my less complicated but duller life when I met up with that close friend of mine for lunch about two days back. Anyway, after talking crap for a bit, the topic veered and we started talking about my love life. We couldn't really talk about his since he's a married sucker. Heh! Anyway, the conversation was something like this (relevent parts only!):

"Eh Amir, remember ?"
"Sure. Man...she's weird. I could never figure out what the heck was going on..."
"Yeah well, during that time she was a very confused person."
I look at him blankly. "Huh?"
"Anyway, she's now fine. No longer confused. She has a significant other."
"Oh, good for her! Lucky guy, I guess."
"Girl..."
"WTF!?"

An interesting start to the year, eh? If this is any indicator on what this coming year's gonna bring, at least I'll be laughing as much as I'm crying. Heh heh!

PS: No offense meant to all alternative lifestyle people out there. I don't really give damn which direction you all swing. It'll be nice if you could decide before hand which direction you wanna swing though. It'll save people like me from unnecessary headaches! ;)

A new year, a new beginning.

Woohoo!! New year! Actually, maybe I shouldn't be celebrating too much. Last year was a pretty decent one for me. I mean it could be better but then, every one of them for the past 26 years of my life could be, eh? Still, last year wasn't so bad. I've had worse!

Here's some summary of last year:

Proudest Achievement - I'm WAY more fit now than beginning of last year. When I first joined gym, my stamina was SO bad that I lasted for only 4 minutes on the treadmill at gradient 0 and speed 4. It was THAT bad. I'm seriously not joking! These days though, I'm doing speed 8 to 10, with gradient varying between 3 to 6. I do those for at least 15 minutes non-stop and generally continue up to 30 minutes.

Saddest Moment - My cat passed away late last year. Heh, I really loved that cat. Been a constant companion for me (and the entire family) for the past 17 years. Some might ridicule the feelings people have for an animal but that cat shared a helluva lot of history with me. Rest in peace, cat. We'll meet again in the next life.

Best Purchase - A bluetooth headset which I connect to my handphone. Allows me to listen to MP3s while jogging and also acts as a handsfree for my phone. Simply terrific!

Worst Purchase - Signing up for a personal trainer at the gym. The gym has excellent facilities and the personal trainer is very professional. The only stumbling block is that I HATE being tied to some schedule and I prefer to go to gym when I feel like it, not because I have an appointment with my personal trainer. I need to do something about this though since I still have TONS of sessions left in my contract...

With all those behind now, I guess I do have some changes I wanna make for the coming year (sorted based on how difficult I think it'll be).

Not so difficult/Doable with a little bit of effort

I plan to watch more plays at theatres, go for more concert and attend more rave parties. Theatrical plays for the *ahem* cultural growth, concerts to feed my great love for good music (NO DANGDUT!!) and rave parties for the chicks wearing bikinis (oh, the music's pretty good too)! Oh yeah, I should add going to the MPO into the list too. Some of the classical music by those long dead composers are quite good and MPO has an excellent orchestra! Hmm...I might need to cut down the clubbing part a bit to balance my accounts if I do all this though. Besides, traveling all the way to KL is kinda tiring and I keep getting lost coming back home after clubbing!

Next on the list is to get even more fit. I plan to go to gym very regularly. I'm hoping to reach a pulse rate of low 70s or high 60s at rest by end of this year (very ambitious but doable, I think). It's true about what people say. The healthier and fitter you are, the more prepared you are to face life's challenges. While it's true that my line of work doesn't really require strong muscles and amazing stamina, a fit body keeps the mind alert. With the coming year, I think I'll definitely need an alert mind. As I grow with my current organization, I suspect more responsibilities and challenges will be coming my way and I plan to be prepared when that happens.

Moderately difficult/Might need a bit of luck

This coming year, I plan to prove myself beyond any doubt on my abilities as an engineer and reach for the coveted title of Senior Engineer. Ericsson don't hand out those titles easily and the Senior Engineers in my department are all REALLY good! Not sure whether I'd achieve it or not but I'm really gonna give it a go. That means no more muddling around. It also means that when it comes to my competence area, I know what's the issue. "I think I know" will not cut it. I must really know my area, inside out, backwards and forwards. Not only that, I must also really know not just my current competence area, but also another area such as radio networks or transmission. My technical knowledge must not only be deep, it must be broad as well. I'm still not sure about this part so I guess I probably need to talk to my manager about my path. Beyond the required technical competence, I must also demonstrate sufficient leadership qualities since Senior Engineers are expected to lead and mentor other engineers. A heavy responsibility, but one which I'm aiming for.

Next on the list is probably getting to know my religion a bit better. By better, I mean a helluva lot better. Nope, I don't plan to be those sanctimonious bastards who are purer than pure and whiter than white. To be honest, I think I've got better things to do than to go around telling other people how to live their lives. I've got my own personal demons to deal with anyway. By getting to know my religion better, I plan to focus on knowledge. Some people do Bible study. Me? I plan to do some Quran and Hadith study. There are many reasons for this being one of my plans for the new year. Partly, I've always been curious about the world around me, both in the physical and metaphysical sense. Secondly, there seems to be too many idiots calling themselves religious leaders and spouting nonsense about the faith. I hate those people and I plan to arm myself with the correct knowledge to avoid being misled by stupid propaganda and also present a more accurate interpretation of Islam during any discussions. Thirdly, if I continue going around screwing up my responsibilities as a Muslim, I might as well find out exactly what I'm screwing up at. Heh! Nope, the plan does not include me being a better Muslim. If that was part of my new year's resolution, I'd put this plan in the category below. :)

Very difficult/Needs divine intervention or a miracle

I need to be more honest with myself and start dealing with certain issues that I've been purposely ignoring/avoiding ...Y'know? I don't think I'm ready to write this part of my blog posting. Maybe some other time.

Happy new year 2007, y'all! :D

Malay as a second language...

Do I really talk Malay like a foreigner? If I do, man...that's so sad...

I mean c'mon! My vocabulary in Malay language is excellent! Ok, so I don't have any Malay accent but whaddya expect from someone who's born in PJ and lived in KL/PJ area for pretty much his entire life? I can't really have a Kelantanese accent now, can I? ;)

On the other hand, when I speak English people think I'm a native English speaker. I get a lot of "Hey, you're English is pretty good!" statements from people.

Of course, the puffing up of my ego is tempered by the fact that I apparently speak Malay in a funny (as in weird, not haha) way. Sigh...

Weekend, going...going...gone! (plus some year end reflection)

Argh...there goes my weekend, all THREE days of it.

On Friday, I left work at exactly 5 pm. Heh, I was looking forward to the 3 day weekend and couldn't wait for it to start! I arrived at gym at about 7 pm and was happily jogging when I got a phone call from my manager.

"Amir, what are you doing tomorrow? We need you to attend a technical meeting with customer. It should be between 2 pm to 5 pm only. See if you can find out what's causing the problem."

2 pm to 5 pm? It didn't sound so bad. Even though it's a Saturday, the problem seems like an interesting challenge so why not? Did some preparation, played FM2007 to relax and had a good sleep. Next day afternoon, I went for the meeting. To keep a long story short (and also avoid giving confidential information!), meeting was from 2 pm all the way to 8.30 pm. So much for a short one. After all the discussion, we've arrived at an action-plan which involves me working from Monday night entering Tuesday morning. To make things more interesting, I then have a meeting (on a completely different issue) back in office at 10 am Tuesday. Heh, no rest for the wicked! Hmm...maybe I can claim emergency allowance...

So, Saturday technical meeting, Sunday emails and planning, Monday night work. Oh, and Tuesday morning meeting and Tueday afternoon more backbone fun! While I love my work (it's challenging and never boring!), it does get tiring. As soon as I'm done with my current project, I'm looking for a nice break next year. Maybe go to some beach or something and enjoy the seaside. Then again, if there's something interesting on, maybe I'll postpone my vacation and work some more. ;)

Hmm...looking back, I've been doing a lot of stuff this past year. I've done implementation and integration on SGSN, GGSN, Juniper routers, Extreme switches, Funk RADIUS servers, Bind DNS servers, Netscreen firewalls and SUN Solaris servers. I've also done backbone integration with VAS nodes such as SMS, MMS, WAP, Video Gateway and Video Mail. Beyond that I've done a large number of network trace analysis on Sigtran traffic for Video Gateway (H.323 and Megaco protocols mainly). All in all, I'd say it was a rather productive year. I'm looking forward to what next year will bring. :)

PS: Warning, bragging ahead! Did you know that I set up the first GGSN in the Ericsson world that handled HSDPA in a commercial network? I did that last year in Philippines. :D

A new beginning and other stuff

Ladies and gentlemen, as of Friday 22/07/2005 I'm no longer a systems engineer. I'm now a network support engineer in a new company. I leave my previous company with many fond memories and experiences. I'm gonna miss those jokers! =)

As for my new company, I have to confess that I'm slightly overwhelmed. I'm now in a large multi-national company and to make matters even more interesting, apparently I'm the youngest engineer in my department. The second youngest is 4 years older than me. Heh, everyone here is a veteran in the industry. Man...I can't wait until I'm no longer clueless! Still, I'm looking forward to the new challenges I can expect to face in my new role. I'm now in the global arena. That's so freaking cool to me! =P

A while ago, a friend of mine introduced me to the music of Damien Rice. Essentially, she said that 'The Blower's Daughter' is a bloody amazing song. After listening to it, I have to agree. The raw emotion that Damien Rice manages to pour inside the song is absolutely amazing! Such bittersweet feeling when you listen to it. The rest of the album is also quite good. Songs by him that you should also check out are 'Amie' and 'Cold Water'. Anyway, I found out that the song 'The Blower's Daughter' was the theme song for this movie called 'Closer'. I've finally managed to get my hands on it about a week ago. After watching it, I have to say that the movie was amazing. It's a beautifully crafted piece of cinematic masterpiece in which you can actually identify and feel for each of the character in the movie. Natalie Portman's performance in that movie was simply...magnificent. If you ever get the opportunity, please watch it. While your opinion might differ on whether the movie is good or not, you will agree that acting (especially by Natalie Portman) was amazing and this movie, at the very least, is different from the standard Hollywood fare (which are all crap, IMHO) which we are inundated with in our daily lives.

While we're on the topic for movies, 'Garden State' is also another movie in which Natalie Portman acted (and performed beautifully). It is also a debut movie for Zach Braff as a director. While I feel that 'Closer' was the better movie, 'Garden State' is also a decent movie. Maybe I'm just so sick of the usual Hollywood crap that anything that's different is good to me. LOL! Oh yeah, the soundtrack for the movie 'Garden State' is also quite good. I really liked the songs by Frou Frou. I know, I know! Frou Frou is electronica and I'm a rocker. I have to admit though. The blending of Imogen Heap's vocals and Guy Sigsworth's musical arrangement is hypnotic and has an ethereal feel. I guess you could call it a mood music and the music defnitely fit the mood of the movie! Check out 'Let Go' and 'Shh' by Frou Frou for some electronica music which doesn't sound like music for robots. =)